sazima

Everyday.
I fear that something up is against me.
I fear that I may sin and the worst would happen to me.
I fear that if  I doubt I might go to hell.
I fear that everyone would curse and preach at me if I they knew that I don't believe.

I don't believe in luck
I don't believe in miracles
I don't believe in karma
I don't believe in heaven or hell.

If God was real he would not be a he
He would not be a she
God would not be holy
God would not be evil

A god would have no religion
A god would not condemn
So who are they to judge?
who are they to curse?

who are they to tell you you would go to hell
and get burned
how could they force you into something that has no definite proof?
who are they to make you sacrifice and fast?

I fear but at least I have believed in my idea
at least I had made a step to be free
for someday I would not fear
and someday I would no longer believe
that a lie they told was real.

I always hide.
Like a diary, or like a small book.
I hide from critiques and fools
who kept on scrutinizing my actions.
I hide my hatred to the ugly
and my admiration to the beauty.
I hide my fear, happiness, love
and almost everything that I feel.

I did not want to be a rock
that sleeps on the cold grounds
who feels nothing
hard and stubborn
unwanted and took for granted

this I wanted to tell them:
one day I will give you bruises
I will give you scars
and all the hurting you have given me
for someday I will no longer be a stone
but I will be the sky they will look up to
and I will pour my tease and laughter upon them.

they would ask me why
and I would go back to the times when I was their perfect mistake
when I was accused of being ignorant and a fool
and I will prove those who knew me that they were right
I am selfish, I am cruel, unfeeling,
and I never cared about the things that did not concern me.

and I wonder why I hide
why am I so scared of being outside
when the darkness is not a place to be
I may be scared that they will see me
I hide in my world, and I don't give a fuck about their world

I hide.
because I am not ready
but when the right time comes
I will hide and bury all their thoughts about me.

tear my heart my love,
but blow your kisses to my soul
kiss me hard and touch me
then I can willingly weep in sorrow

leave me and let me be my love
for so long I wanted to forget you
I wanted to murder every memory of you
but still everyday I am longing to see you

come back and be my darling
tell me you love me once more
embrace every bit of me
take me in for I am waiting,shivering outside your door

my heart is fried
my soul turned into steam
my body is roasted
and my brain is exploding

my life is a tragedy
for my experiences are comedy
always stuck in a boundary
love is an epic fail

i tried to laugh at the joke of life
i tried playing it like a game
I thought I was improving
but my strategies are all the same

I am always in a bad mood
in a heartbroken zone
my loneliness is killing me
and yes I am singing it alone

I tried to act busy
even when I am in pain
but how can I work peacefully,
when in my head there is always this name

the name will soon be forgotten
those dates and memories will soon feel obscure
he will fade into oblivion
and I will be left moving on

you are my sanctuary
nature called for my rest
close my dead sleepy eyes
to the days I have not rested

bring me to your couch of cotton candy
then feed me to the ants
let them quench their thirst on my sweet veins
let them nibble my soft hands

I am drowning in righteousness
I jumped down from a rocky mountain with closed eyes
I have entered your every corner
but I haven't met your illuminated eyes

let me rest from salvation
show me the ways of entering your door
I am tired and I am resting
but you're all freaked up and out of control